Amityville Horror (1979)

~ 3.5 out of 5 limbs ~

Scare Type: Demonic/Paranormal 

Gore Rating: 2 out of 3 (black ooze seen on screen)

Character Likablity: 3 out of 5 (you feel for the characters as they are part of a family unit)

Fame Rating: 3 out of 5 (some people know this movie, some people don't) 

Effects Quality: 3 out of 5 (you have to give this movie some credit, it's an early 1980s film)

Sorry for my absence last week from my blog. My great grandmother died, and I had a funeral and a wake to attend, not the funnest stuff in the world, but it has to happen. I had this review lined up for last week, but I only could get to present it now. 

~Spoilers~

Last time we talked, it was about The Exorcist, which suffers from the awful disease known as 70's horror movie syndrome. 70's horror movie syndrome is just an easier way of saying this movie just tries too hard to scare and saves the scaring until the last part of the movie. 

Now, don't let the year 1979 fool you into thinking that this movie, Amityville Horror is going to be the same way. I like this film a lot better than The Exorcist.  

Maybe because it's based on a true story. Maybe because unlike the movie we last talked about, this movie actually got a jump scare out of me (which I will admit is not hard to do, but at least this movie tried). So let's see why this movie is an example of early 1980's horror. 

This movie, duh, is based on the infamous story of the Amityville house. The movie starts out with a guy shooting his family. Um... great family friendly start. The police and EMS of course show up. The movie explains that it's November 13th, and that a mom and dad and 4 kids were murdered without a motive between the times of 3:00 am to 3:15 am.


1 year later, a couple is shown the house with a realtor. Yeah, perfect. Just got married and now they're going to move into a house where people got killed. Wonderful. This isn't gonna end up bad.

While the couple take a tour, flashbacks keep occuring of the murders. Foreshadowing much?


WHAT? They don't want the house because it costs $80,000? Today, anyone would take that in a heart beat. (Is it just me or does this house look like The Conjuring house?)

While the real estate agent works on the price of the house, papers start to move. OMG, so scary!


1 month later, the couple has moved in, and their three kids, a girl and two boys, are playing. They also have a dog, a black lab named Harry.


The couple are named Kathy and George Lutz. They have 2 boys and 1 girl. Amy is the girl's name and the boys are named... something fun I'm sure. Suddenly a random Catholic priest dude shows up and starts looking for George and Kathy while everyone's in the back yard.


He hears kids giggling upstairs, and goes up there and walks into a bedroom, and can't open the window. However, the door closes and two flies end up on the window. Oooohhh. Then a few milliseconds later, there are a gazilion flies on the windows. He starts to get sick as he tries to bless the house, and the flies start crawling over him. Ew. Then the door opens once again,and a disembodied voice tells him to get out. Of course he follows the advice, and nearly vomits and trips over himself. Then he vomits. Ew. At least they don't show it like in the Exorcist. (Movie fact: the vomit in The Exorcist is actually pea soup.)


Amy falls asleep on the floor when it's time for dinner, and George tucks her into bed with her Annabel the doll. (Actually, it's a Raggedy Ann doll, but is somewhat dark... from years of non-washing or is the doll black?).


The priest, Father Delany, from earlier calls Kathy, and all he gets is static. He finds out he has blisters or something on his hand from the phone. 

George mentions how cold it is in the house when the themometer reads 72.

George goes down into the basement, and his stepson, Matt follows, and hits a lightbulb and trips over himself. George calls it a night, and Kathy dresses up for some reason. And of course they start to kiss and whatever, and they have sex. Yay. This is sooo scary. Maybe one of the demons/ghosts is standing there watching. Oooh, the scary!

Then the door opens and it turns out to be Amy wanting to go home. The rocking chair in Amy's room starts to creak and move.


At 3:15 in the morning, the time the murders happened, George wakes up and goes walk in around the house and hears whispering in Amy's room, and closes the window. The doll ends up, somehow, in the rocking chair.


George goes outside with Harry the dog, to make sure the boathouse is secure as he discovered the light being on and the door being open. As he comes back in and smokes a cigarette, the movie decides to give us a jump scare by having a black cat jump up on the window.


Transition to the next day as George is cutting up wood as Kathy comes home wearing a schoolgirl outfit bearing groceries, and she forces George to get the rest of the groceries. Aunt Helena is going to come by at 2, and like every married man, George hates his in-laws. Kathy suddenly smells something strange as she puts away the groceries. And of course she goes to investigate, then finds Amy behind her. Amy has an imaginary friend named Jody.


Father Delany is sick, and the other Father thinks that it's just a flu.


As Aunt Helena, who turns out to be a nun shows up, all the plumbing turns out to be a black goo. Aunt Helena decides she cannot stay long after the chandelier starts to tinkle so she makes a hasty exit. Then she stops her car and vomits.


At 3:15 am that morning, Kathy screams 'she got shot in the head'.


The next day, Father Delany and the other father (Father Breon) are driving to the house, the wheel, then the brakes stops working in the Nova (the type of car they were driving), and they crash because the hood flew open.


George is sick in time for Kathy's brother's wedding. Kathy's brother manages to lose $1,500 cash despite he counted more than once to make sure he had all the money to the caterer who demands cash, not check. He loses the money within two minutes after putting it away in his coat pocket.


Amy is also sick, and so she stays home with her baby sitter, and the baby sitter gets locked in the closet. That brings a new meaning to 'in the closet'. The babysitter starts to freak out, and her knuckles start to bleed from banging on the door. The rocking chair is still rocking, and Amy is not responding to her at all and just sits on the bed.


Aunt Helena apologizes to Kathy, and George tries to keep the caterer happy by saying the caterer will get a check - the caterer did not want a check because checks bounce.


When Kathy and George come home, the babysitter is still locked in the closet. When George and Kathy try to ask Amy why she didn't open the door, Amy says Jody wouldn't let her open the door. Meanwhile George has a freakout about the money because he can't find it.


Father Delany says that he heard the same voices that the murderer heard in the house. He argues with two fathers who hold higher positions in the church than him about the house having a Santanic touch to the home. Father Delany gets a vacation due to his 'hysteria'.


Meanwhile, a couple, Carolyn and Georgie's business partner, come to the house. Carolyn refuses to go to to the house for she had a bad feeling. A really bad feeling. It turns out that George hasn't signed the payroll checks, the personal check to the caterer bounced, and the IRS is apparently calling George's small business.


The two boys are are teasing Amy from their parent's room, and one of the boys gets the window shut on his hand. He doesn't have any broken bones, surprisingly. The demons apparently don't like it when boys tease girls.


At 3:15 that night, George wakes up and goes into one of the rooms and discovers that there are a thousand flies in the room. Meanwhile, the door starts to creak, and the front door falls apart as thunder crashes. This wakes up Kathy and Amy. They call the police. As George goes back up into the room, all the flies are gone. The police come. A sergeant shows up as well. The others call him Sarge.


Sarge and George go into the basement, where Harry the dog is sniffing and scratching at the floor in the basement. Something growls as Harry digs, I can't tell if its' the dog or something from the basement.
George tries to explain what happened to the front and basement doors to no avail. None of the basement windows are broken.


Jody turns out to be a nice imaginary friend, who tells Amy about the boy who used to live in her room but died from a wound. (Maybe a gunshot wound? I don't know.)


George goes out on his motorcycle as Harry the dog freaks out and the kids go to school. George goes to the library and gets a book about demons.


Kathy calls Father Delany, who takes forever to get to the phone. Father Delany starts to choke and suffocate, as Kathy feels wind blowing through her hair and hears scratching coming from a creepy looking old man who brings beer. The guy with the beer disappears as Kathy gets off the floor.


George goes to a bar called 'Witches Brew' and meets with his business partner The bartender says that George looks exactly like the murderer who killed his family in the house. George slaps the business partner in the face after he rants about how much he's changed.


Amy is singing 'Jesus Loves Me' to Jody, who went out the window. As Kathy goes to the window, she sees two bright eyes in the dark.


The house turns out to be built by John Ketchum, who was turned out of Salem for being a witch. Mr. Ketchum just wanted to be called a wizard, but no, he got stuck with the title of 'witch'. 

Jeffery, the business partner, talks George into going on a date with Kathy, promising that he and Carolyn will babysit as they all go to the house. Carolyn wants to go to the basement, and Jeff doesn't try to stop her. Carolyn goes into the basement. Apparently this land was also used by native americans who put crazy people on the land and left them to die. Carolyn says that dead bodies are there in the basement where Harry the dog was digging. George uses a tool to break away at the basement, as Kathy comes down the basement. It turns out that the basement has a hidden room painted blood red, and Carolyn starts to scream and freak out, claiming that's where demons come from.
Harry the dog refuses to go near it and growls at it.


Kathy and George at at their wit's end, and they have to do something about the demons. As they walk to the main part of the house, it turns out that the crucifix was turned upside down as the cop who happens to be stalking them is outside. George and Kathy try to bless the house, as George drops the crucifix, and Kathy starts to freak out.


Father Delany is at a church and starts to pray, and one of angel statues starts to crumble, and Father Delany ends his prayer with screaming like a psycho, and becomes blind in the process.


At 3:15, George hears a drum beating. He goes to investigate, and the drum beats louder the closer George gets to the main floor. Suddenly, the drums stop and George trips over a dragon statue. George shouts, asking the demons what they want, and claiming it is his house. He unrolls a rug for some reason, and Kathy wakes up because of the thunder that is always around the house.


Kathy dreams that George is killing her daughter Amy. Yay?


On the 19th day of them being there, George starts to scream that he's coming apart. Kathy asks if he's fine, and he has has some blood on his foot that look like bites. George slaps Kathy because she wants to leave the house, and all George wants to do is tend the fire. Kathy goes to Father Delany, and she only gets another priest, Father B who is working on the crashed up Nova. It turns out Father Delany is on vacation.


Sarge from earlier is STILL stalking them, and he follows the other priest to where Father Delany is.
Father B can't get Father Delany to talk to him, as Delany just sits in silence and stares into space. Father B leaves Delany there, as Sarge stops him and asks about Father Delany.


Kathy goes to the library, and looks up newspapers about the murder. It turns out the murderer looks EXACTLY like George. That's a little creepy.


Amy is writing Jody on an easel while George sharpens an axe and Harry whimpers at something in the basement. George starts to dig up ground for some reason, and the ground in that blood red room starts to shake. Harry barks at the room, as it begins to thunder and rain. The last night of their stay, George goes out to the boat house, and slams down his axe there. Kathy finally gets home from the library, and starts screaming for George. As she goes in the house, she calls for her kids.


George leaves the boat house and takes the axe with him with an angry look on his face. He sees a demon in the window, and he runs into the house and up the stairs. He starts looking for Amy, as the house starts to have a black version of it's time of the month.


The boys aren't upstairs, and because the boys are in the bathroom, having 'The Shining' moment. George comes back to reality, and doesn't kill the kids.


The house's time of the month gets heavier, as the basement room explodes, and the windows break apart, the entire house starts to shake. The whole family runs out of the house in a hurry, slipping and sliding over each other. And they entirely forget about the dog. Nice of them to leave an innocent animal behind to die in the demon house. The family rides off, as Kathy tries to keep George from leaving to go back into the house to get Harry. George calls Harry and finds that the basement is smoking and he ends up in a giant pit of black goo. Harry growls at George and tries to bite him and rip him apart while George pleads with Harry to stop, which he eventually does once he recognizes that it's George and not a demon. George picks up Harry. The door shuts in George's face, but a window breaks and they make their escape through the window.


George and Harry approach the car, and they leave the house once and for all.


They never went back to the house to even get their personal belongings, and they (as of 1979), live in another state. 

~Spoilers~

So, this is basically a pre-The Conjuring. Except that this movie is older and the demons aren't exactly explained. Is this movie worth watching?

Yes, if you like The Conjuring or ghost stories or you just like watching horror movies. Don't underestimate this movie. Just because it's old doesn't mean it's bad. 

No, if you want to know about the demon haunting the Amityville house. 

The Exorcist

Horror Queen's Take on The Exorcist (1973)

~ 3 out of 5 limbs ~

Scare Type: Demonic/Paranormal 

Gore Rating: 2 out of 3 (vomit seen on screen)

Character Likablity: 1 out of 5 (you barely know the main characters, or the demon)

Fame Rating: 5 out of 5 (everyone knows this movie) 

Effects Quality: 3 out of 5 (you have to give this movie some credit, it's a 1970s film)

~Spoilers~
Let me just come out and say it, I do not like this movie. It just is not scary. Like at all. Maybe like in the 70s, when horror was new, it would be scary beyond belief. But now, it's just... ugh. 

I think after watching The Omen and this movie, I think that I can make a new term for the problem with this movie. This term is 70s Horror Syndrome. 

So, what's so awful with this movie? Let's take a look. 

We start with an excavation in Iraq, and a little Arabian boy tells an old man who probably belongs in a nursing home that they found something at the base of something. So the old guy goes to the base of whatever he's digging up, and reaches in a hole and finds a demon head. As typical. 

Then we watch this old guy do random crap, like eat at restaurants, take heart medicine, watch one eyed creepy blacksmiths work and visit an appraiser who calls this old guy 'father'. Apparently this guy is both a priest and an archaeologist. Interesting career choices!

It turns out that the demon head is related to a full-sized demon statue. As the old guy stares at it, this random Arabian dude comes up behind him and yet does nothing, and the most ironic dog fight in the history of movies takes place. Apparently this is supposed to represent the fight between good and evil, but... what if it's just two dogs fighting the crap out of each other??

We transition to Georgetown (and I had no idea where this 'Georgetown' was until the main character says 'maybe we should leave Washington... why couldn't you just call it Washington instead of Georgetown?!?! It would make a lot more sense to just call it Washington instead of a place that I do not know!)

Our main character turns out to be an actress named Chris MacNeil, who is living with her daughter, Regan (weird name, but whatever) while filming a movie about a college or something. 

While she's filming, she gets stared at by a priest named Damien Karras, who is Greek and has a mom who insists on living by herself in her house even though she looks like she's 80 years old and she has a messed up leg. This begs the question, why doesn't he just LIVE with his mom? I mean, if you can't get her out of the house, just move in! Just because you're a priest, you don't have to distance yourself from your own mother!?! Kill 2 birds with 1 stone! You have a place to live, and you don't have to worry about your mom dying. Ta-dah! Oh, wait, I forgot, this plot is supposed to make you ask these questions, isn't it? Nevermind, point invalid. 

Anyways, something happens to his mom and she ends up in an asylum (or a state run hospital) because Damien can't afford to take her elsewhere. And he feels guilty for it. Maybe if you, I don't know, moved in with your mom, she wouldn't end up in a hospital she doesn't want to be in?  Anyways, it doesn't matter because she dies anyways and Damien gets depressed. Wah. What, we only knew his mom for like 10, 20 minutes in the film? And she's not even important enough to get mentioned on the Wikipedia summary of the movie? Yeah, I'm just going to say, I don't care because all I've seen Damien do throughout this movie so far is whine and moan about stuff. 

It's revealed that Regan is using a Ouija board (it's kinda creepy for me to see a Ouija board that looks EXACTLY like mine), and she starts talking to a 'Captain Howdy'. However, the demon in the movie is never called that, so that's another pointless detail. Regan likes drawing and painting and whatever, yet another pointless detail that doesn't add up to anything. 

One night, while Chris has to go film, she leaves her director to watch after Regan. Perfect idea, just have your BOSS take care of YOUR kid. Have you never heard of a baby-sitter before? And big shock, he ends up dead, looking like he may or may not have flung himself out the window. A detective goes to work on the case named Kindermann. Haha, look, there's symbolism in his name because he has 'Kind' and 'Man' in his name. So ingenious. Like how Damien looks a little like Demon if you think about it. And like how the name Chris is Christ without the 'T' on it. Yeah, the symbolism is so, like, useful in understanding this movie.

Chris starts to believe Regan has something wrong with her due to behavior. Like she says something bad at a dinner party. Oh my goodness, there is totally something wrong with a child saying something bad! Ugh. Chris takes her daughter to a gazillion doctors and all of them tell her she has something wrong with her temporal lobe, and eventually she gives up and calls Damien to do an exorcism. 

Another priest dude comes into the chapel one day and finds the Virgin Mary statue all messed up. Another pointless detail. I need a counter of how many pointless details this movie has! 

So, Damien investigates Regan and Chris about the demonic activity, and he talks to a priest higher up than him or something like that and that priest suggests that Lankester Merrin should help him. Yeah, remember that first part of the movie with that old guy who dug out a demon head? That was Lankester Merrin. Apparently he exorcised a demon in Africa in a ceremony that took 12 hours, yet we get nothing else other than that to prove his merit. Oh, that and he has a demon head. 

So the two FINALLY start on the horror part of the film, like with what, 30, 20, 10 minutes left? Yeah! I love horror movies that wait until the last freaking second of the movie to show horror. 

Regan pukes like 3 times during the exorcism. But after I survived a Rob Zombie movie, I can survive this crap. The vomit doesn't even look real. It just looks like green goo! 

Regan's demon is hinted at being that demon thing from Iraq, but I never heard the name 'Pazuzu' being mentioned during the exorcism. They eventually take a break, because both priests get tired. 

After the break, they start to begin getting the demon out again.  Of course, the demon in Regan tries to convince Damien that she is his mom, and Merrin tells him to leave. Chris queries if Regan will die, and somehow this makes Damien want to go back into the room, and find Merrin dead. See, this is why Merrin should have just drawn retirement and quit this business before he got ahead of himself, and now he is dead. Kids, retire early, that way, demons won't try to kill you. 

Damien tries to get Merrin back alive for some reason, and then through some weird ceremony thing, Damien ends up taking the demon out of Regan's body and putting in his body. Then he jumps out the window, ending this movie with a less than appeasing movie. Regan and Chris go back to wherever they came from, and it ends 'Happily Ever After' for everyone. 

I have so many questions about this movie, that were never answered! 
1. Why is Merrin in Iraq in the first place? Does he just want a hard core retirement?
2. What's the deal with the demon idol? I mean, is it good, is it evil? Is it a legit god of an ancient civilization? Is it the region's version of Satan? I mean, was it really too hard for the director to maybe shoot a scene where Merrin is at a library researching the demon and be reading a book and say 'Oh yeah, this is the most evil demon of Iraq, and the people of the Fertile Crescent believed in it, some people say it still exists'!?! 
3. Why doesn't Damien live with his mom? She probably would NOT have died if you actually lived with her! Is there a rule in the priesthood that you're allowed to visit your parents, but you can't visit them?
4. Why was Chris so cool with her daughter playing with a Ouija board? Does she even know what it does? 
5. Why did Chris not hire a baby sitter? What, was it too expensive? What, are you sleeping with the director and you just wanted him to feel important? 
6. Why did we save the detail that Merrin actually exorcised demons before until the 2nd act of the movie? It would have made the first 15 minutes of the movie make a little more sense about why he was so into that stupid demon head! That's like me being obsessed with koalas and making a movie centered around koalas and then saying in the middle of the movie that the first animal I ever remembered seeing was a koala! 
7. And why is just that a detail? I mean, they make it sound like it is no big deal that he fought a demon for 12 hours! 
8. How does that last part of the movie even work!?! From what I understand about demons, they don't freaking die. I mean, they can leap from person to person, but... It makes no sense! You can't kill a demon by leaping out of a window! They have to be sent back to where they came from, you can't just take out a semi-automatic and shoot them to death. It doesn't work that way! 

~Spoilers~
So, what is 70s horror movie syndrome? It's a movie that sends 80% of its time establishing a somewhat creepy plot and the rest on horror. It makes me want to sleep while watching it. 

Is it worth watching?

NO if you're like me and hate movies that are just illogical at certain points. This movie isn't as confusing as House of 1000 Corpses, but, some things are just never explained for some reason. Maybe it has to do with the author of the original book (yes, it's based on a book) adapting it from his book. I don't know. Maybe everyone read the book back then or something. 

YES if you're into the 1970's and whatnot. 

House of 1000 Corpses

Horror Queen's Take on House of 1000 Corpses

~ 3.5 out of 5 limbs ~

Scare Type: Psychological Thriller

Gore Rating: 3 out of 3 (blood, organs, gore, acts of violence depicted on screen)

Character Likablity: 2 out of 5 (you barely know the main characters or the antagonists in this movie. The only thing keeping this section from being a 0 is Captain Spaulding)

Fame Rating: 2 out of 5 (people may not know the name of this movie, but they know the man behind it- Rob Zombie) 

Effects Quality: 5 out of 5 (effects of blood, gore and etc. are fairly realistic) 

~ Spoilers & Language ~

You do not hear the title of this movie a lot. Maybe because the architect of it is not very in the public eye. 

Rob Zombie began his film career with this movie. He directed and made the music for this movie. 

So, is this movie worth the watch?

If you enjoy watching violence, seeing half naked girls, insane clowns, dysfunctional families, and if you like being confused, this one is for you. 

So, our movie starts out with a guy named Dr. Wolfenstein and his black and white show, then you see an ad for a strange attraction run by a clown named Captain Spaulding. It's a gas station, restaurant and side show attraction. 

When we get into the plot, we see that an old man comes over to Captain Spaulding's gas station and uses his bathroom. Then, of course, as typical as any rundown gas station, two robbers wearing masks come in the gas station and try to rob him. 

When my ears were not hurting from hearing fuck in every other sentence, I actually realized that Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig) has some great quotes. 

- "Well, I'll tell you what, Ski King. Why don't you just take your Mama home some chicken and then I won't have to stuff my boot all up in your ass!"

- "But MOST of all... fuck YOU!"

- "Goddamn, motherfucker got blood all over my best clown suit!"

I find him really likable. Then again, I'm not scared of clowns. 

Once the robbers are dealt with, four kids pull up to his gas station. It is the day before Halloween in the 70s. We meet our main characters, the nerd Billy, who somehow ended up with a girlfriend, and his slacker friend Jerry with his girlfriend. They are on a road trip looking for side attractions to write about in a book. 

After some conversation, Captain Spaulding takes them on a murder ride. The ride features Lizzie Borden, Ed Gein, and other famous murderers. There is also a 'Dr. Satan', who was a doctor who tried to make mental patients into a superior race. Of course, Jerry ends up wanting to know more about this doctor, and Captain Spaulding gives him directions to the tree where Dr. Satan was hanged before his body disappeared. 

On the way there, they of course, like any other drivers, picks up a hitchhiker named Baby who is stuck in the rain (played by Rob Zombie's wife, Sherri Moon Zombie.) Shortly after picking her up, their car stops, and Baby walks with Bill back to her house to get her tow trucking brother. Of course Baby flirts with Bill as they wait.

I'm sorry, but I don't know how Rob Zombie can be comfortable with his wife being half-naked on screen most of the time! All Baby does in this movie is show off her body, flirt, and kill people. Does Rob Zombie just want guys to jerk off to his wife? And how is Sherri okay with that? I just... don't... understand that. But whatever floats their boat. If they like doing that, let them do that.

Anyways, the group come back as we learn the other members of the family get weird and weirder. Baby's mom, Mrs. Firefly, looks like a Dolly Parton hooker from hell. Tiny is a freaky tall guy, you know, that one guy who always gets hired by haunted houses. His dad tried to burn him alive, and thus he is badly scarred. Otis is a blonde long haired dude who enjoys kidnapping cheerleaders and killing them. And Grandpa is like your average grandfather except he has the mouth of a sailor. So they all make one weird dysfunctional family.

The girls, Bill and Jerry eat dinner with the Fireflys and stay afterwards for a show they put on. Baby sings a song from 'Some Like It Hot' (that's where I recognize it from, sung by Marilyn Monroe). Of course, she flirts around once again, and one of the girls gets pissed off and threatens to fight her. The group decides to leave, as their car is fixed. But as they tried to leave, Otis stops them and messes up their car, taking all of them hostage.

RJ, the brother with the tow truck, takes the crushed car away the next day as one of the girls wake up. The girl is held hostage by Otis, and she keeps begging to know where Bill is. Much to her surprise, Bill is now a fish dude! Jerry is scalped by Baby when he guesses that Marilyn Monroe is her favorite star. Tiny has a girl wearing a 1950s dress and tied up to his bed. Being mentally handicapped I guess (Mrs. Firefly says 'he don't even have a bicycle'), he lets the girl go just so that Otis tosses her into a giant laundry hamper or cage or something. At this rate, all I know is that the main character's stupid behavior is what got them to the place they are now, and I'm just waiting for all of them to die.

One of the girl's dads call the police when she doesn't come home, and he happens to be watching the ironic news channel as it just so happens that there are four cheerleaders missing. I cannot rightly when exactly the dad and the police officers talk to Captain Spaulding, hinting at the confusing factor this movie just has for some reason. The dad and two other police officers find the car the gang was in with one of the cheerleaders in the trunk.

They of course find the Firefly household, and the dad and one police officer go in the back as the other police officer goes into the front. Mrs. Firefly shoots the police officer in the front after talking and flirting a bit with him, as the dad just happens to find a barn with one of the girls (it might be his daughter, but I didn't pick up on him recognizing her), tied up to a pole with numerous wounds on her and naked with other dead bodies in the background. Otis of course kills both the dad and the other police officer, in boring slow motion that is too overdone.

Then there is this unnecessary scene where Baby and Otis go to a liquor store that happens to have holy water. Ok, thank you, useless scene, for bringing the movie to a complete halt.

They dress the remaining three kids in bunny outfits, hinting to something Otis says about how people run like bunnies. Otis makes a suit (I guess) out of the dad's skin, leaving the dad's body skinless. Thank goodness I have a strong stomach, otherwise I would be vomiting up my lunch by now. And that's not the best half of it. Otis decides to wear the suit and try to make a move on the dad's daughter. Ok.. thank you, movie, for that grossness.

The Fireflys decide to let Jerry see Doctor Satan. One girl escapes and gets stabbed by Baby, and the other two are put in a coffin and hoisted underground. They get attacked by underwater zombies and Jerry gets left behind because the girl decides that she has to save her own ass.

The girl encounters two strange people who attack her and try to rape her or something. I don't know, it's bringing the movie to another complete halt for no reason but just to creep you out. Thank you movie for stopping in your tracks again. The girl finds Dr. Satan experimenting on Jerry, who is most likely dead because he loses a lot of blood. Dr. Satan's weird assistant tries to kill the girl or something, but he doesn't kill her, and she finds her way out.

Just as you're about to get up and flee this confusing movie, Captain Spaulding just happens to pull up in his car to where the girl was escaping. She gets into the car, and Captain Spaulding tells her to chill out as he gets her to a doctor. But then Otis pops up behind her (yeah, somehow he got into Captain Spaulding's car), and kills her.

And then the movie ends. Explaining absolutely NOTHING about what the hell I just saw.

The movie is just SO confusing! The start of the movie is confusing, but as you're introduced to the heros, you kinda feel less confused.

The story takes a while to start up, but once it does, you're invested a little.

Bill and Jerry are just stereotypes of the nerd and the slacker/hippie/druggie guy, and the two girls are bland and have no personality outside of screaming for their lives.

The violence is super extreme and so is the sex and the nakedness. Not that I mind the violence.

The only enjoyable parts of this movie that aren't confusing are when Captain Spaulding interacts with people.

The Fireflys are interestingly dysfunctional.

The middle part of the movie seems just to lose interest in the protagonists. I mean, really, Rob Zombie wants us to care about these people we don't even know much or care about. This movie just doesn't seem to facilitate any sympathy for the heros or the dad.

The end is just... UGH. As you can tell, I had a hard time even trying to explain it. All of a sudden Dr. Satan exists, and... yeah. And suddenly Captain Spaulding harbors serial killers in the back of his car.

~ Spoilers & Language ~

Ok, I am mean towards this movie. Why? It just seems a little extreme in certain areas but lacking in others.

But is it worth watching?

Yes. If you're fine with violence, feeling confused and getting genuinely creeped out in certain scenes. And clowns, you have to be ok with clowns. That is why I feel this movie is meant to be more of a psychological thriller than an actual 'ahh omg' horror movie or a slasher movie.

No if you're not ok with violence, if you're demanding an understandable story, scared of clowns and not wanting to get creeped out. 

The Blair Witch Project Review

Horror Queen's Take on The Blair Witch Project

~3 out of 5 limbs~

Scare Type: Thriller/Jump Scare

Gore Rating: 1.5 out of 3 (unidentifiable organs shown)

Character Likeablity: 2.5 out of 5 (at the start of the movie, the characters are cool, but then towards the end you just want them to die)

Fame Rating: 5 out of 5 (everyone knows at least the title of this movie)

Effects Quality: 1 out of 5 (sound effects were only effect used)

~ Spoilers ~

The first thing a lot of people say about this movie is that the film quality is dick. What most people realize is that with the premises of 3 film students going into the woods, the film quality matches perfectly with the plot. It makes this movie so much more believable when you actually have someone handling the camera. And that is precisely why such films as Paranormal Activity and its subsequent sequels have been made, because it is believable. When the poor kids are in the woods, I could feel their problems.

The start of the movie is quite impressive. It sets up the whole 'Blair Witch' plot up nicely compared to other horror movies. At least you have some explanation of why this strange stuff is happening. There is this old man who lived on a mountain and who like murdered 7 kids in 1940-something, and some girl got lost in the woods in the 1800s and came back saying something about a woman whose feet never touched the ground. And that's pretty much the only thing that happens the start, other than a crazy woman saying she saw the Blair Witch. So, that makes entire sense. And that's the only explanation you get throughout the movie.

The middle of the movie is draining to watch. It's just our main characters (Heather, Josh, and Mike) getting lost in the woods due to Heather's incompetence. At night, they hear tree limbs crackling like someone's walking, then it progresses into something making lots of noise and crushing their tent. The part where the trio have to run for their lives away from the tent due to the noises is a little frightening. Then you find out that douchebag Mike has thrown the map out into the creek, causing them to get hopelessly lost in the woods and escalating their anger and violence. Once they begin to bicker and fight, you just want them to die so they will all stop bitching and whining. It drags on forever. You have to constantly remind yourself that the ending ought to be good.

Then Josh goes missing, and causing Mike and Heather to freak out. They try to find him, but fail. At night, they hear a male voice shouting something unintelligible, and they immediately think that it's Josh, and so they head out a bit. They don't find him. Big surprise. The next morning, they wake up and find a bundle of sticks with a piece of Josh's shirt tied around it. That's creepy. Then Heather, being the idiot, opens up the sticks and finds some kind of organ thingy in the sticks? I can't tell what those red squishy-looking things are supposed to be. It could be a porkchop for all we know.

Then, at night, they hear a man's voice saying 'help me', and of course, Mike and Heather have to go investigate. They run all over this abandoned house, and it is a little climatic. You hear Mike one minute, then you don't hear him. And as Heather goes down into the basement, you see Mike in the corner (the old man mentioned earlier made one kid stand in the corner while killing another kid), and Heather gets whacked in the head.

And as soon as you're expecting something awesome and scary to appear...

THE CREDITS ROLL.

Biggest. Disappointment. Ever.

So, where do I stand with this movie?

The idea is semi-unique. I mean, not many movies do the whole ghost/haunting thing anymore where the ghost actually has a story.

But the 'scares' are not really there. I was waiting for the ending to scare me past the point of being able to sleep, but it failed to scare or impress.

For a movie about the Blair Witch, this movie needs less kids lost in the forest and more Blair Witch.

~ Spoilers End ~

Is it worth watching?

Yes if you are a 'horror movie' addict.

No if you are looking for a scare, unless running through woods, noises, and bad endings scare you.